The Solitary Feeling of a Miscarriage

Today I read the article, Is It A Miscarriage? The Most Common Symptoms Explained from Parents Magazine and it resonated with me.

I have been there. I am one of those statistics. Three miscarriages.

When my first son turned 18months, my husband and I made the decision to try an expand our family. I became pregnant soon after and we were over the moon. Thinking this is perfect, our kids will be just a little over two years apart. I announced it to everyone. Who wouldn’t? I didn’t have any issues with my first pregnancy, so what would make me think otherwise? I was incredibly healthy, fit, lived a stress free life and was thirty. I didn’t think that there would ever be an issue.

At my first ultrasound at 8 weeks, we brought our son with us to include him in seeing his sibling for the first time. I was thrilled to see our new little one growing in my belly.

When the tech started to question my last menstrual period and had a different look on her face, then I began to think that something may be wrong. She said she would speak with the doctor and be back in a few minutes. When she came back she told me to go to the doctor’s office instead of an exam room. I knew then what he was about to tell me. I miscarried. The flood of tears came pouring out. I couldn’t control them. I was a mess and so was my husband. He took our son out to keep him occupied as I went over the information with the doctor.

Instead of scheduling for the next month’s appointment, I was scheduling a D & C. It was heartbreaking.

It happened again

I faced the same thing two more consecutive times. I had gone through so much testing and there was no answer as to why it was happening. It just was.

When I became pregnant for now the fifth time, I was so nervous. I had blood work done every few days to make sure my HCG levels were increasing. Once I made it to 11 weeks the doctor and tech advised me to stop worrying. So I tried.

30 weeks later, I was delivering a healthy, beautiful, baby boy. He has made our family feel so complete. I’m in heaven!

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I reflect back on how emotional I was the year I lost three pregnancies. The guilt, unfairness, anger and sadness were just a few. Even though so many of my friends and family had experienced a miscarriage, it was still such a solitary feeling. I was going through it. I had these emotions. It was my body. I remember having an epiphany at one point and saying that “I will surrender these feelings.” It was out of my control. Once I surrendered, my life seemed to be more stabilized. Actually my emotions became more stabilized. I knew that I would have another baby at some point.

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